Everybody's Fine

Everything is finally gone. Just got tired of looking at it. I'll probably end up burning the rest... It should be interesting at least. I'd almost want to keep them, to remind myself of how ignorantly happy I was.

But I think I'm happy now, mostly. At least as much as I possibly can be. I doubt that I'll be completely happy, ever. You'd think that it would have happened by now if that were possible. But I've gotten used to it, so I can make due right?

I wish I had more people to talk to. I used to. I had so many people to talk to, and now I have walls. White walls and the same square room with all the complacent junk that sags in place in piles. I really have no ties to my past except for myself and the hurting in the pit of my stomach. For various reasons, don't get ahead of yourself.

Risking sounding desperate, though, I wish someone would just talk to me. Someone who had little emotional attachment to me. Someone to just listen and tell me a few right words. Everyone that cares enough to talk to me cares too much to listen to me. And all I do is hurt and disappoint.

Happy Birthday to me.

I guess.

Did you know.. Your hair comes out curly if your follicle is oval and straighter the more circular it gets?

I am convinced that it doesn't take a small mind to find amusement in the most basic of things - it takes a curious one. It does take, however, a small mind to make profound something which does not deserve the title.

Linger

It's been just up and down, and I don't think either of us will ever love the fall in the same way again. There's just been way too many things that's happened this year to really be able to smell the fall air and not feel in the pit of our stomaches the bittersweet feelings that comes with getting older. I turn twenty this year... Just damn.

Last time we went east, to what was known and to the treachery of false security. Now we go west, to new things and expecting everything and nothing. Funny how things turn out.

I can haz a pentagram.

The pregnant nurse practitioner asked me if I was a Wiccan because of the pentagram on my chest. I replied I was an atheist. After the moment of confusion faded from her face, she asked me, more or less, where I got my set of values. It's always confused me when people ask me this, because I feel as though it's asking me to watch very far away stars, or subatomic particles (given, you know, the equipment) - I have a loose idea, but when I look too close, I don't seem to be able to see it all that well.

I mean, don't you feel something is bad just because it's bad and not because you think a master creator told you it was bad, too?

I suppose it really lies in that a decision is bad or evil (or has evil merits, such as war) because of the suffering of another. And it's never made sense that people would get their set of values from a deity, since these, too, have changed over the course of civilization.

I get my values from the same place you do, miss. I just don't choose to attribute them to an invisible being.

You know what?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

Only in a more bloodcurling and ear-deafening way.

oct.

Songs have new meanings.
now i know
and i listen to words that once meant so
much
and once meant so very little
they have meaning once more
october has come and shall pass
i have rediscovered october
i hope they have too...
i'm too alive

you know what i think? Fuck you. Thats what i think.

Latin has words for cellphone

I've always wondered how mobile to blog handled two texts at once. I'm sure it will probably have it as two posts so lets see what happens. It would suck if it was two posts cause There's very little i'd say in one text.

Hayak and You

God damnit, all of this economic theory shit is giving me a headache. But I would say if anyone wants to understand the reason why any amount of a socialist government can't work, read Hayak. Road to Serfdom is such a common sense-based book that as long as you understand the individual sentences (he can be kinda difficult to understand the first time through a sentence), you've got no problem understanding the individual points.

Now on to Hazlitt and then who knows what. I do know that if my dog doesn't stop nudging me with its nose I'm going to break her neck off. :D

I can't keep things at all in my inbox anymore

So I'll put them here. Time means nothing.



1. The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Hands-down probably the best book I've read. Presumably it's just because I can identify so much with both Nick and Gatsby; I can really identify with both of them. Read it. It's not called "The American Novel" for no reason.

2. Dracula, by Bram Stoker.

This one is also here because it's so sheer awesome. I love the way it's written, it really manages to keep suspense. Be sure to read it unabridged, though - I should re-read it, last time I read it I was just thirteen. It's also one of the purest Gothic books in existance, needless to say.

3. Master and Margarita, by Mikhail Bulgakov.

Not here because it's particularily awesome, but I recently read it. It *is* good though, and well worth reading, especially if you have an interest in Soviet. The moral ambiguity it carries is also interesting contrasting religious "good" with empathic "good". Is it worth selling your soul to the Devil in exchange for love?

4. Perfume, by Patrick Süskind.

Yeah, you know this one. Beautiful work of art about a beautiful but inhuman artist. I also love the underlying symbolics - what is love? What does it require? Can you be loved if you cannot love yourself? The language is also awesome, but I think it might lose some if translated to English.

5. The Hyperion Cantos, by Dan Simmons.

This is a massive piece to recommend, consisting of four books - Hyperion, Fall of Hyperion, Endymion and Rise of Endymion. I've even yet to read the fourth book, but I have to say this is *the* sci-fi epic. It marvellously treats all the philosophical conundrums popular in science fiction, and it has a lot to say about the human condition. Besides this, it contains time-travelling assassins, temporal shift combat, the coolest ideas ever about space travel, and lance ships capable of blowing up entire solar systems.

6.Song of Kali, also Dan Simmons.

While it's not as awesome as many other books I've read, it's here because it has such a great sense of setting. The depiction of Calcutta is marvellous, and how it illustrates a culture crash is another good reason to read it.

7.The Joy Luck Club, by Amy Tan.

No, it's not just here because it's got awesome Chinese stuff in it. It's also a marvellous book when it comes to parent-child relationships, and illustrating stories from more than one perspective. Switching the narrative between mothers and daughters, and the beautiful structure mimicking a mah-jong table, it unfolds into one of the most multifaceted books I've read.


8.The Picture of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde.

Perhaps the ultimate satire of Romanticism and Realism rolled into one. Wilde questions ideals and contrasts them to the real world – and most importantly, questions which of our ideals are worthwhile and which are just hypocrisy. The aristocratic society it mocks exists no more, but the relentless chase for beauty still is.

9.The Witches Trilogy, by Terry Pratchett.

Really, I'd just recommend everything he's written, but that'd be a little pointless. The Witches Trilogy is my personal favourite here, mainly because of the witches' pragmaticism and their lovely way of genuinely caring for people by insulting them. It's a very warm set of novels. (There are more books about the witches, but the Trilogy consists of Wyrd Sisters, Witches Abroad, and Lords and Ladies).

10.The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Addams.

Duh.

I don't know if I loved
I don't know if it mattered
I can't really tell
If I was only flattered...

I can't give reasons
For all the things I do
But one thing I know for sure
I've stopped praying for you...

I really need to stop. I'm grasping at a previous life, something I put aside for a good reason. It's bringing me down in a way that's almost permanent. fall, but no desire to climb back up again. it's the last time, i always say. always the last time. and then a fall again. and no desire.

Boring. Everything's so much more boring. I've never wanted normal, I don't want normal. I don't want to settle down and find that "just surviving is a noble fight." fuck you, billy. it's the wrong message, buddy.

but i should stop searching, and checking, and continuously hoping in the back of my mind... I need to be done with it. i should be done with it. but i'm still not done with it.

I'm hungry.

Left: Wtf? This isn't Twitter.
Right: It's a form of self-expression.
Left: Heathens!

omgyugiohwtf?

I swore I'd never do it. I criticized and made fun of and scoffed the very existence of collectable card games... But holy crap, they're actually fun. The only drawback is they're so damn expensive. Guess they can't be any more expensive than countless video games for 50 bucks a piece. :P

Much too much to do...

So, boys and girls, I might be able to graduate with an easy double major. What joy. Turns out the classes for the major I wanted in the first place happen to all be core requirement classes for any major. So I'll take classes for another major instead of the classes I was planning on taking for the major I wanted.

And stuff.

I honestly don't have ALOT of things to do, all things considered. But I just wonder with all the dependencies and the unknowns that I have to deal with if I'll be able to keep with my plans or if I'll have to change them on the way. Which would suck.

Sour cream and microwave burritos...

Wtf?

Push the Reset Button

And not the new modern-day ones on laptops that you can program to make your computer go into hibernate mode. I'm talking about the old-school ones on the Super Nintendo that was big and purple and you could actually push the damn thing.

Anyway.

Gone is everything of old. Everything. Pictures, emails, blog posts, thoughts, ramblings. The only one single thing that remains is the notebook which will serve as simply a vessel for frustration. It shall carry everything so that I don't have to.

I will say that the fifth came and went with nothing more than a hiccup on my end. I fully recognized the day, and I spent the whole day doing the same thing I did the days preceding and following it - I played Fallout 3 the entire damn day. Damn biological needs! I subsisted on mountain dew and pringles, while my character chewed on irradiated dog meat and human flesh. All in all, a great day.

So here's to scar tissue and a new damn year.