I really need to stop. I'm grasping at a previous life, something I put aside for a good reason. It's bringing me down in a way that's almost permanent. fall, but no desire to climb back up again. it's the last time, i always say. always the last time. and then a fall again. and no desire.

Boring. Everything's so much more boring. I've never wanted normal, I don't want normal. I don't want to settle down and find that "just surviving is a noble fight." fuck you, billy. it's the wrong message, buddy.

but i should stop searching, and checking, and continuously hoping in the back of my mind... I need to be done with it. i should be done with it. but i'm still not done with it.